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FK Hånd til Munn spent the weekend at training camp. The coaching staff called it “the most professional weekend in the club’s history,” and nobody could think of a better one to compare it to.
Camp opened on Friday with hot yoga at 3T Midtbyen. The idea was to get the squad loose and limber before Saturday’s early kick-off. Within ten minutes, two players had asked if the room had a bar, and one asked if he could stretch “mentally” instead.
Second Trainer Schuster was the star of the session. When the instructor took the group into Happy Baby, where you lie on your back and pull your feet up towards your head, Schuster went quiet and stared at the ceiling for a long time.
“I haven’t been in this position since 2019. I’m not saying with who. I’m just saying I didn’t pay 250 kroner for it back then,” said Schuster.
The instructor has reportedly asked that future sessions be “less personal.” Schuster has asked whether there’s a VIP card.
After yoga the squad had a team dinner to build team spirit and get an early night. Most of the squad stuck to the plan.
Herman did not. He was named in the starting eleven, but went straight to Club Tempo after dinner to collect a stamp, because “Gold status doesn’t earn itself.”
“I’m a hybrid athlete. Football in the morning, Tempo at night. Cristiano has his ice bath, I have mine. Mine just has a straw in it,” said Herman.
He was joined by Boffa, the club’s most loyal spectator. Some in the club have described him as a hooligan, though he has never been banned from a stadium. That’s mainly because the club doesn’t have one.
“I don’t play. I support. Tonight I supported Herman. Tomorrow I support the team. My schedule is packed,” said Boffa.
Oskar Gjærløw, who wasn’t invited, said he heard about the trip “from the doormen, who were surprised to see someone there before me.”
As usual, the club posted the starting eleven on Instagram the day before. Anders Namtvedt was in at the back. The post also told the squad to meet at Tempo. The match was at Tempe.
Namtvedt had spent Friday on a round of pub golf, which Scott Juvik, the club’s Head of Field Training and fourth-choice keeper, knew nothing about. Namtvedt woke up at exactly the minute the match kicked off, put on his shin pads, and followed the club’s instructions to the letter.
He was found outside Tempo at 10am in full kit, warming up against the door. The doormen gave him a stamp for showing up, which by the end of the day made him the only player who got anything out of the morning.
“The club said Tempo. I went to Tempo. I’m the only professional in this squad,” said Namtvedt.
Juvik admitted he had missed a small detail when picking the team:
“I pick the line-up on fitness, form and attitude. I didn’t think to add ‘not currently on hole 9.’ That’s on me. It’s going in the selection criteria.”
Juvik is now expected to move up to third-choice keeper after a superb penalty save. He becomes the first player in club history to be promoted without the club being able to confirm he’s fit.
“Three seasons on the sideline, and this is my moment. The body says no. The sixpence says yes. I go with the sixpence,” said Juvik.
Manager Goggen defended Namtvedt, sort of:
“Tactically, Anders was the only player who followed instructions. Ten players went to the wrong place, and one went to the right one. In a sense, we were the ones who didn’t show up.”
Without their centre-back, FK HTM beat Realkameratene 7–5. The hero was Sigmund Berge, back in the squad this week, who tore Realkameratene apart on the wing and looked like a man who had actually gone to bed on Friday. The club is now studying the effects.
“We’ve analysed Sigmund’s performance and found one difference from the rest of the squad: sleep. We are looking into whether it can be implemented more widely, but the players are sceptical,” said Goggen.
Head of Coin and goalkeeper Mordal was away this weekend. The club reached him by phone:
“Seven–five? We let in five? Who was in goal? … No, don’t tell me. I already know it was the fourth keeper. Put that in the article.”
Heimen, the club’s Head of Booking at Dødens Dal, was keen to stress that he can’t be blamed for the weekend:
“I book Dødens Dal on Wednesdays. That’s it. Six days a week I’m a normal person. On Wednesday I’m the most powerful man in the club. Saturdays at Tempe are not my problem, and Tempo is definitely not my problem. But whoever wrote that Instagram post should talk to me about how to do a booking properly. One letter. That’s all it takes to send a centre-back to a nightclub at 10 in the morning.”
The day ended with a team party. The highlight was a surprise visit from Musen Rasmus, who brought along a game that participants described as “a kind of mouse trap.” The club has not released the rules. Several players have asked for the game to be wiped from their memories.
It did produce the evening’s big name. Sources say the club’s first ever In-Form card will go to CEO Bjønness, after a performance onlookers called “clinical,” “frightening” and “something we will not discuss with our parents.” The card is expected to rate him 99 for reflexes, 98 for composure under pressure and 12 for pace.
“I’ve spent years working on the board. People thought it was spreadsheets. It was preparation for this,” said Bjønness.
Later in the night, the squad moved on to Club Tempo as usual, where Namtvedt had been waiting since 10am.
“Finally. I’ve been here since kick-off. Where have you guys been?” said Namtvedt.
He left the evening only two stamps from Gold. The club is still deciding whether to fine him or make him captain.
Schuster has asked whether yoga could become a permanent part of the training programme. The board is still considering the request, and has asked him to stop lying on the floor in Happy Baby at board meetings.
